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To Hull and back

Had a very enjoyable day trip to Hull City v Blackburn Rovers on Saturday. Another 0-0 draw, but a decent performance lay at the centre of it. Nicola Kalinic gets into some great positions and must score soon, or he'll end up next to Corrado Grabbi on here. All the midfield players had chances galore to blast in a shot, but seem to be looking for the perfect pass. It's where David Dunn is so effective, so his recovery would be welcome.

Away trips are about more than just the match though. Me and my pal Steven got a chance to catch up on this and that without wives or kids in tow. We took the train over and had a look around Hull; finding a decent piece of haddock for lunch, which you'd expect at the seaside. Hull's German christmas market is really just a dressed up car boot sale and tatty market, but it's nice they're trying to make an effort. I'm still not drinking so I probably ruined Steven's day by keeping us out of Wetherspoons.

It was also the 127th ground on which I've watched football and was a rare day out for the flag (pictured).

There was plenty of noisy banter and solid support from the 1500 travelling fans. I'd say 5 per cent are total cretins; real neanderthal dingbats who boo Keith Andrews before he's even taken the field and sing the most offensive and racist songs imaginable about Owen Coyle. A further 20 per cent are just young lads who are easily led. The remainder, that is most Rovers fans, are quite nice people. But it does mean there's a good chance you'll get a nutter in your orbit at a reasonably well attended away match and there isn't anywhere to move to. One idiot, who I recognised from home games, stood up throughout, without a thought for the young lads behind him. No-one asked him to sit down, not even a steward. It was like he was willing anyone to challenge him. We suggested to the teenage lads sat behind him that two seats on our row were empty and that they'd get a better view. They seemed very relieved.

As a parent the question then is do you want your kids subjected to louts standing up in front of you and coming out with this rubbish. I'd say not yet, but that's life.

Get up stand up

Regular readers will have noticed I do a bit of public speaking as part of my job. I enjoy it and try and do new things all the time. Occasionally I tell the odd story, or short joke, but it's always secondary to the main event and core message.

When I heard that Richard Bacon was going to do a night at Edinburgh as a stand up comedian I was full of admiration. I think stand up looks incredibly hard and was interested in what he went through.

Well, last night I had a go myself. Admittedly, 110 people at Marple Cricket Club was not quite an open mic session at a comedy club, but I think it went OK.

My role was to just do a few bits of housekeeping to welcome people to our junior football club Christmas party for parents and supporters, no kids. After dinner, my pal Jason Isaacs was going to be performing with his band A Few Good Men, so the least I could do was put a smile on people's faces to get the evening off to a happy start.

I had the routine worked out: pepper the housekeeping announcements with gags and a few stories about being a football parent.

I started with some short tales about some of the rough arsed places we go to for away matches and a few friendly jibes at local rivals - paying off with an old old gag that some people hadn't heard before.

Next I moved on to golf - we have a club golf day at the same venue - I thanked the bloke who organises it - didn't get much from him and remembered that I just don't know him well enough to take the piss out of his business - which I did consider - but moved on quickly. Quick Tiger Woods quip which was mistimed and misjudged. Move on quickly.

Next, the open goal. The club secretary is a mine of material - Scouser, attractive younger wife, nice bloke, lost weight recently. Kept going for a while with this, lot of laughs. Really pleased, was on a roll here. People seemed surprised and happy.

The finale was an amended joke I've seen done with expert precision by Ted Robbins. So I've introduced people, said thanks, name dropped a Bryan Robson story, so people think it could be possible that we really do have a special guest. I take off my specs. Cough, look nervous and serious and ask for hush. "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have a special surprise guest. He's a local sporting legend, he's fought in Manchester and Las Vegas, he's held world titles, he usually walks out into bigger rooms than this to the chimes of Blue Moon, but tonight let's give a warm Marple welcome to our special *surprise* guest tonight.... Ricky "the Hitman" Hatton."

This will either die on its arse, or people will believe it. They look round, they applaud. There are gasps.

I put my glasses back on. And I say, squinting at the table by the door: "Oh dear. I'm sorry love."

Bingo. It works. The best and biggest laugh of the night. I love this. What an incredible feeling. Time to end, quit now on a high. Thank them for their time, encourage them to give generously.

This may not count as a "thing to try before you die" but it was a nerve wracking experience and something new for me. I'd like to have another go, in another environment, and will work on more stories. 'Ave it!

The Last Mad Surge of Youth - book review

Reading fiction, for me, requires a longer sitting than 20 minute bursts on commuter trains. I'm pleased I made the effort to finish this excellent book. I liked the vivid and anti-nostalgic account of a northern upbringing in the 1970s and the journeys of friends, forming a band and forging an identity. It's bleak at times and though there are large passages that make you feel uneasy, it's never a difficult read. Mark Hodkinson is an observant writer with a good ear, Martin. And the two friends at the centre of the story - think Our Friends in the North with guitars - are vivid and recognisable characters. One of the reviews, here, conjurs up another book I've enjoyed recently - John Niven's Kill Your Friends - noting by way of contrast that this avoids the sex drugs and rock n roll - but instead centres on notions of ambition and courage.

Heartily recommended - 8/10.

And there is something quite special about a Pomona book.

Clive James and Martin Amis on ageing

If you look in the forthcoming events section of any national newspaper or political magazine or literary journal, you can't help but be struck by the vast number of intellectual events taking place on any night of the week. In London.

Rather than moaning about this, I went to an event last night at the University of Manchester where Martin Amis (60) and Clive James (70) were talking about ageing in literature. How the voices of the aged were sadly missing - how Dickens and Shakespeare died in their 50s. Where then is there a voice from the elderly?

Fascinating it was. Amis opened up by bemoaning the later works of John Updike, who had "lost his ear".

James retorted with several aces skillfully flipped on the table: Tolstoy, Goethe, Yeats. In particular Yeats "exploited the power of reflection, a transparency denied to the young," said James.

They both had the intellectual sharpness, but confessed to rattling a little.

Speaking to Clive James afterwards he spoke of his own impatience and vigour for the web. His own work in progress - CliveJames.com - he finds intruiging and beguiling. Oh to be young again.

The audience was appreciative and lapped it up. There is a healthy intellectual life here, but it needs feeding and supporting.

Admirable Nelsen

By their own standards, and by the expectations of their supporters, Liverpool were poor at Ewood Park today. And as Rovers failed to convert good chances in the last few minutes, I think we have to chalk that one off as points dropped. But no matter, the place is buzzing, it's been a great week at Blackburn Rovers. We're in the semi finals of the Carling Cup, we're above Burnley in the league at last and more importantly we're playing some good football while we add to the points tally. Sam Allardyce, sat up in the director's box, earpiece snugly fitted and video monitor in position, was pleased with the clean sheet and the growing reputation that we're quite hard to beat at Ewood.

For me, it was a great day out. I went as a guest of one of the club's sponsors and enjoyed the company of their chairman and two mates of mine who were also guests. But the added bonus was I got to present the man of the match award to Ryan Nelsen in the Clayton/Douglas Lounge. Also on hand to sign a book for me was King Kenny Dalglish.

I have to say Ryan Nelsen is a proper bloke; a real gent and a professional captain. And as a player I think he's a colossus. He got in the way of everything today and nearly set up Diouf for a goal when he went on a mazy run up the left wing in the second half.

Rachel took three of the boys on the season tickets, which would have cost £80, which means we've used £278 worth so far and it's still only December. What a bargain.

Some advent links

Some assorted links I've liked.

Try this game - locate the football ground. Endless minutes of fun. I scored 118402.

The flip side of the Football Museum moving to Manchester - what next for Urbis? From Gnome Chomsky.

Extraordinary story - The man who smuggled himself into Auschwitz. From Derren Brown.

Oh dear - Roger Cashman has discovered Twitter.

Some cool looking stickers have been popping up around these parts. From CasCo.

I'm going to keep my eye on this. The Reference Council.

Stop the X Factor morons getting a Christmas number one.

Cities bidding for the World Cup - is it just me, but has Liverpool the weakest case of all?

One of my lads is obsessed with penguins. This public art lark in Liverpool looks great.

Wanted: someone to beat Blears

The campaign to get rid of Hazel Blears at the next election has hit the buffers. The groundswell of opinion against her has failed to find a plausible candidate. Instead the good people of Salford (and the bad ones) have been offered a character called Alec McFadden, a left wing activist, who claims to represent the TUC. He is not the right candidate. Neither is Richard Carvarth, or this potential candidate here.

There is a Panorama programme on BBC1 on Monday night at 8.30 which may galvanise a more credible and unifying candidate. I hope so. She is a disgrace to the Labour Party and to politics and shows just how badly Labour has drifted from its base.

Is there a Doctor in the house?

I very rarely go to the Doctors. Whenever I do I come away feeling like I've been wasting someone's time. My Dad has had problems with high cholestral, my Mum only has one kidney and my sister had something which forced me to check something of my own, so I feel entitled to be concerned enough to check things out. On every occasion they have been all clear, but my GP seems to very quickly dismiss everything I have a concern about. I rather get the feeling my notes read: "hypocondriac".

Contrast this with the attitude at Marple Physio clinic today. My lower back has been killing me this week. I had an appointment time that suited me, and within 40 minutes Matthew Carpenter asked questions, watched me walk and made me stretch. Then he had me doing exercises, massaged me and said, Let me tell you what I think is going on here. He then adjusted my car seat and sent me away feeling tons better, with some ideas to sit better and, I feel this is significant, £37 lighter of pocket.

I have to say, it has been the best money I've spent all week. I know nothing of this clinic other than the positive experiences I have had on the two occasions I've been there. It has a sense of customer service about it. Something the NHS does not. Because this is 2009 and feelings run high, I feel I have to qualify this by saying I care passionately about the importance of the NHS in this country, but something is wrong at the core. I don't base this on what I have experienced, today, but a slow realisation and observation about how organisations work and why.

The Elder Statesman

I had the pleasure of interviewing Sir Mark Elder recently. In the interview he talked about many things, but importantly about how people can be touched by classical music and return to it at different times in their lives.

“I’ve tried to make the Hallé so much a part of the fabric of the city, that even people who don’t appreciate the music we produce, at least recognise that Manchester would be a poorer place if the Hallé didn’t exist. We need different sorts of music. If you can show a five-year-old child a concert orchestra, they may not need that music until they are 45, but they try that and remember these people who came to school. They may move to pop music, and that’s great because music is spiritual food. We need it as much as we need fresh air, companionship, a social life or sports. Music is something to share with others. It has to have an open door.”

What a lovely way of putting it.

Sometimes you meet people who are good at what they do. In fact, I'm lucky enough to do this rather a lot. But other times you meet a real inspiration. He's one.

The end result is here.